I called my mom last night on my way home from a late night at work. I often call her on these drives because it’s a nice way to catch up while also weaving through LA traffic. For the past few weeks I’ have been thinking about a lot about if what I’m doing with my life is what I should be doing with my life. I ran into this problem when I worked in a talent agency for two years after college. I also was confronted with it again when I lived in Portland and had to settle for a desk job after losing my job in film production. And here I am again.
In high school, I was the girl who wanted to do everything and be friends with everyone. I got the most pleasure out of overexerting myself in endless activities. I got a job when I turned 15 and held one through the end of high school. On top of that I was the Co-Editor-in-Chief of the school newspaper, sang in a band, had a boyfriend, was the lead in the high school musical, played lacrosse and soccer all while maintaining a relatively good GPA. I don’t mention all this to brag. I mention this because this is when I was at my best. All my fires were burning and I was constantly tapped into my creative side. I was able to excel having my day jam-packed with activities. I work best with chaos. I always have.
I miss this. I miss being pulled in a lot of directions. I miss being able to express myself creatively. I miss being too tired at the end of the day to waste it watching some trashy reality TV show. I miss feeling like I have a purpose each day.
I’m struggling with this big time and last night was the first time in a long time that I admitted I feel like I’m wasting my strengths. I don’t want to wake up in five years and wish that I had been braver with my ambitions. The next step is figuring out how exactly I move forward from here. Do I find people to make music with? Do I take art classes? Do I start forcing myself to write again more? Do I play rec soccer during the week? What am I missing?
Living in Los Angeles can be a blessing and a curse. Today it feels like a blessing because I live in a city where the world is my oyster and it’s hard to dismiss this fact. I’m ready to let that light shine through again. I’m ready, ready, ready.