It’s almost too predictable how quickly we start at it again. It always begins with what ifs and maybes. I let my defense down for a second in hopes it draws us closer again. What a fool I’ll always be with you. You mouth words of judgement into the phone pressed against my hot cheek. I fire back with the cruelest of letters pieced together to get the deepest dig. You say, “I wonder what you’d look like after 5 years in prison.” My lips can’t help but coldly mutter, “Better than you.”

We’d throw the hate around each other but dance around it enough to end the night entangled again in a heated passion. We trade off being the enabler and addict. Your love has only ever been a drug. It knows no integrity, honesty or warmth. It leaves me cold and empty.

We hang up the phone and I begin hitting my steering wheel not believing I let you affect me again. I scream out loud and curse your name. I find a way to take a deep breath in and realize the anger is for me. I let me do it again. When will it be enough to know better?

@nikkimartinez_ is it too soon to say i already have major #separationanxiety? #neononneon #tbt #vegas (at 🌴🌴🌴🌴)

weekend of fun. 

We lay on a bed of white sheets in a room that will become our home for the next three nights. That’s the thing about us, we make any place we inhabit a home. We share it and fill the walls with laughter and share stories of the time we’ve spent together and the months we’ve spent apart. Being with them reminds me of being with my sisters. I find myself completely at ease and even in the most energetic of moments I find peace among them. 

We awake in the morning and each stumble around to piece ourselves back together to start the adventure all over again. We resort back to Gatorade cocktails and laugh about how it’s as if we’re going to a lacrosse game in the middle of a spring college day. “Why don’t we live in the same city? I want everyday to be like this.” We all wish the same thing but make every moment count together. 

The sun kisses our skin with a gold reflection of the windows bronzing us like the goddesses we are. Every moment is savored and we find new ways to be as silly as we were ten years ago. The four years we spent in college were what keep us forever bonded. We grew up together. We made mistakes, cried, laughed, learned, smiled and did all the things you do to become the better, more grown-up (kinda) versions our ourselves. 

As the weekend came to an end I realized just how good I have it. We were brought together by my best friend of ten years who will soon be getting married. Life is crazy and will continue to surprise me and take me on endless adventures, but I couldn’t ask for a better life or better friends. I’ll take the bad any day to have weekends as good as I did in Vegas with the best friends in the world. 

Miss this already. @margoluu get back in my life! photo by: @nikkimartinez_ ❤

Monkey in the middle is all grown up and getting hitched. #linglingbach (at The Grand Wok & Sushi Bar)

Twinsies @nikkimartinez_ #linglingbach (at The Signature At MGM Grand)

Life is ROUGH. (at The Signature At MGM Grand)

Wings up! Vegas, we are ready for you. @pdxbecks @cnoteee #linglingbach

I love May.

I ask the questions about the things I know I don’t want to know. Perhaps, it’s my way of setting myself free. The truth sets you free, right? Ultimately, I know the answers are going to make my stomach turn into a million tiny little knots making me feel like my heart is hard-pressed with anxiety. I have goose bumps all over my body and the feeling is all too familiar. It’s a feeling I haven’t let myself feel in a long time. I find that with this feeling comes all the things I told myself I didn’t want to feel anymore. I don’t want to feel weak. I don’t want to feel confused. I don’t want to feel like this.

The timing is wrong like a bus that you just miss by a second. Your hand barely touches the side of it as it speeds away. Maybe the driver saw you and could have stopped but he knows another one will come for you. You ran all that way to get there and off it goes. You were too late. Now you’re left disheveled and thrown off. You should have left sooner for that bus. You should have spoke up sooner about how you felt.  I should have spoke up sooner about how I felt.

I’ll carry on and keep my chin up and a smile on my face. It might kill me for a while to do it but I will. I’ll laugh at your jokes and humor you over a drink. I’ll keep my emotional heaviness to myself and leave you with only the parts of me that can bare to be around you without feeling entirely vulnerable. If there’s one thing I’ve learned it is that you have to know when to have the walls up and when to have them down. It’s time to put them back up for a bit.

Another year gone by and I’d like to think I’ve learned some new things about myself and this world to feel like I’m still forever growing. I have done my damnest to be more kind to myself and I feel like this year was no exception. I had my hurdles, aches, pains and nights alone crying, but I also had some of the best memories made with people who seem to get me in all my complexity. I’m grateful for the journey I have been on in the last year.

Yesterday I had some time to reflect on my life and what I want. I never seem to have the answers to the questions being asked but what I do know is that I like where I am. I’m learning to let go of the things I can’t control and be as honest as I can with the things I can. I’m trying to be more in the moment and let go of my past as much as I can. I still need to find time to worry less and remember that the judgements of others can only define me if I let them. My life can get messy (and it really has lately) but I will look forward and not let yesterday define today. I’ll keep my head up and brave each new challenge with an open heart and not let myself get in the way of being the person I want to be. Better, stronger, smarter & full of infinite love.

yes please. more adventures.

(Source: nicolecfranzen, via h-o-r-n-g-r-y)

so good.